I can’t answer all mothers here. We are all so different. I am no exemplary Mother. I am an example of a Mother. To me, being a mother, is not only the love and joy, it’s a responsibility. I have 2 daughters. Nearly 11 and 8. They can’t live unless we provide for them. I work stupid hours for money and I am the house slave. Don’t get me wrong; I am fortunate enough to have the most incredible supportive husband who doesn’t expect any of that off of me. Pre kids we lived in a mess. Hey - it’s still a mess at times now, but it’s a very clean mess. There is a difference between tidy and clean. Clean; I can’t let go of. Tidy; depends on my schedule. He does help and contributes as much as he physically can when he is at home not working. Let’s face it; he is as messy as my kids.
1 income per family just doesn’t cut it anymore. We need both parents to work. My art doesn’t pay as much as my money job. Since it isn’t all about me anymore; we need to be taking financial responsibility for our kids. Some might say I am a successful business woman/entrepreneur. I am co Director with my husband. Together we are a fantastic financially stable team. But this isn’t success to me. The company was his dream and his goal. I jumped onto his band wagon purely because I am tenacious and could see how to make his “one man band” into a thriving company, all from my house with a baby. Together we have made a great achievement. However my heart had a hole. So I decided to go back onto Spotlight in 2017 and start relighting my fire. AND IT IS LIT UP.
My situation; we have to keep the money coming in. Aaaaand with every job I have to consider; who will pay for the childcare after school/in the holidays? My husband can’t get home in time.
Mentioning no names. A Casting Director posted a vlog on Twitter a little while back. It was a man, he was very passionate, he was complaining about Actor’s professionalism. He moaned at actors who brought kids to auditions (just for the record I would never do that) and moaned that he couldn’t care less if an actor can’t find Childcare. He was saying he didn’t care about childcare, that he didn’t understand how actors could give up his opportunity and he will never give that actor an opportunity again if they were not prepared to “sort it out” and take his opportunity there and then. Kids aren’t an accessory Mr Casting Director. They are a responsibility. If you don’t have money to splash out on a casting you may not get the job for, because you have to feed, house and clothe your kids (oh and yourselves); this will be one of the reasons why I find it hard to make. This isn’t even the job itself. This is just trying to get the job, in an already highly competitive tough process. Being a successful business woman myself, I say…. OK Mr Casting Director, I get that your time is money and you have your own pressures and deadlines. I say to you Mr Casting Director; If it doesn’t effect your timing that I can come in at time x y or z instead and promise to have the cough childcare arranged for the project (since there is more notice for the project than the usual last minute casting, making arranging more accessible) well then Mr Casting Director, I say that could be more beneficial to you. Why? Because you know what Mr Casting Director; I just might have been what you were looking for. Yeah… you can find someone else, but maybe we could have made history together, maybe we could have taken it to another level, maybe the actor who had childcare, or the actor with no kids, ended up being flakey on the project. Now….. being a business woman myself I also understand that time xy or z just might not be an option for you this time. On these occasions I say; ok, I get we have to miss out on these opportunities, but instead of black listing; isn’t it better to keep your door open to good professional talent? Where working together in the future maybe mutually viable creating great business for us both? Rather than abusing your power, disabling Mothers and cutting your nose off despite your face.
I think a lot comes down to money. If you don’t have to worry about bringing it in or childcare; then it is a different story.
Another reason why it is hard to make; is the sacrifice of not being there for them after school. It is an important time in their lives. To help them with their homework. Talk about the stresses and successes of their day. Buuuut; I hold my hands up and say “I love a break from it every now and then” being a mum is one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever done - and I’m a hard worker- but to go take a break and do some art means I come back a better mum because I’m happy. Yes society makes me feel guilty for that. Yes society makes me feel like I’m not “Mother Nature” and I’m not “earthy” and I’m “no good” I’m a “bad mum” - because that’s not how we should feel right????? I love my children with all my heart. I would be sick if anything happened to them. I feel privileged to be able to have them and you know what? I know for a fact that my kids love me and think I’m the best mum EVER……. sometimes 😂…………So I feel so torn - to be there - to not be there. I was brought up to have a goal. To work my hardest. How do we just turn our backs on this goal we strived so hard to reach? Our passion doesn’t fizzle. It doesn’t die. For me, when it did, for a few years, when it was sucked out of me, a part of me felt like it had died too. I did what I thought “society” wanted me to do. And in my opinion I wasn’t as good a mum for it. That’s not to say others would be. It was just my feelings. I just wasn’t “Mother Nature” I found it hard to “connect” at the beginning. “I do a dance of freedom when I get time off from my kids.” I feel guilty for that. They would be upset to know that. Equally, they know I do nearly anything they want. I help them solve their problems. I cook, clean, tutor, cheer, provide, support, care, nurse, defend, fight aaaaaand they know that. My husband and I work crazy hours so we can earn and physically be there for them.
My husband benefits from me doing Art. He says I come alive after a small job or session at the Actor’s Centre. So I say; Happy mum - happy house - happy kids. My art benefits us all. I rarely shout (lets save our vocal folds from damage). I can still love my children and admit “I find it hard” - I think I know why I find it hard. I love being in control. It’s weird because I am such a passionate, unpredictable, wild woman. But I am disciplined in my art. Warming up. Keeping my vocal hygiene up. Always being on time and committed to a project. I have processes, systems and procedures to channel my spirited energy. But my kids have……… minds of their own. Since……. babies. They didn’t stop crying, projectile vomiting, not sleeping, not eating what I planned. You can read the “book” but they haven’t. I can’t control them. I can’t make them into what I want. I can’t squash their personalities. I can guide them and try to teach them right from wrong. I am not in control AHHHHH. They won’t take my direction and stand on their marks. They will take my guidance and work around it. Wow - They sound like right Divas. They aren’t - they are kids.
By having my own business; I have found a way to work full time hours and be there for my kids. They just aren’t “Executive men’s conventional” hours. Talking of Executive Men: Now we need more Women Producers. If we have more Women Producers I wonder if we can work together more on developing rehearsals around the school run. Having shows on school holiday night’s. There is just so much we can do to work more around a family schedule. It doesn’t have to be every theatre. Just by having some Theatre Companies who do this; allows more mothers access to still keep up their craft, fill in the hole, keep making and creating to be financially viable to everyone involved and that is the point. We can’t expect the whole industry to change and adapt completely. We can’t always expect money to be donated on art which is experimental. Every business venture needs to be on mutual terms.
Life isn’t about entitlement. We shouldn’t compare ourselves to others and moan about our lives. If we want something; we need to find a way to make it work for us. Every little art job I do keeps me buzzing for months. I am looking forward to meeting more local Mothers Who Make to me. Bring on 2019.
Enjoy the journey, it makes the view even more special.
Stay safe
George
You can join me in the search for other local, mothers who make, to you, by seeing what the amazing Matilda Leyser built at www.motherswhomake.org